change is hard.

I don't do well with change. I like my ways and I like that everything should go as I have planned. My Children have taught me to relax a little and go with the flow. You can't plan for your child throwing up in the middle of the night, or needing to use the bathroom the minute you get settled in to watch a play at the local high school. I thought I would get worse as I get older, and in many ways this is true. Whenever I am not in control then I have anxiety or I get in a stupor and then I am not progressing anywhere. I am realizing I can't have control all the time. I don't think I have to run everything all the time, in fact I like it when someone else is in charge. I just want to know what to expect and what is expected of me. Heavenly Father knows me so well. When I was pregnant with my children I could not stand the thought of knowing when they would come. I got a date in my head and that is the date they came. Except for Kaileen. I don't think I listened when it came to her. I was wanting her so much earlier then when she finally did arrive. Anyway, I am learning to listen and to just go with the flow and try not to get so worked up over things. I have a long ways to go. I just like my own little world and feel comfy in knowing I know what is going on. Life is crazy and my world doesn't seem so crazy when I know what is happening. I started this post back in September and am just finishing it in February and it still rings true for me today. Gosh life is amazing. Anyway, I don't enjoy change but realize that life is about change, so here I go, change away. I am ready for life, I am ready for change. Hope you are also.

Divorce, a very sad thing.

Wow what a title! Our family had a wonderful reunion in August and then boom in October my parents separated, and by November they were divorced. I have been in a stupor. I came across a newspaper article by Dr. James Dobson. He explained how the natural tendency of every thing in the universe is to move from order to disorder. Everything falls apart and needs constant work to keep it nice, homes, cars, grass, gardens, furniture, etc. The only way to combat this tendency is to invest creative energy to that which is to be preserved. Humans are no different. Marriage is no different. Children are no different (but that is for another day) He uses an analogy I liked, I will summarize it for you. A husband and his wife are in two separate row boats on a choppy lake. If they don't paddle toward each other constantly then they will drift apart and one will end up at the north end the other the south end. That is exactly what happens when husbands and wives get too busy or distracted to maintain their marriage vows. If they don't take the time for romantic activities and experiences that draw them together, something precious begins to slip away. It doesn't have to be that way, of course but the currents of life will separate them unless efforts are made to remain together. But, what if the love was never there in the first place? Long ago marriages were arranged without love coming into play. Yet, for many love came later on. In my own marriage I know that the love has changed throughout our 20 years together. My great Grandmother said "We have had hard times, but we have used them as stepping stones to get us to a better place". I know that all the hard times in my marriage has given us a more true love. We work on it and are silly sometimes and I am grateful for that. I am grateful for a husband who can see the need to constantly renew our love and encourage and help each other. I am grateful that he looks past my flaws and loves me anyway. I am grateful that we did not give up on our relationship every time we had a down side. But, what if a spouse does not want to work on "fixing" what is wrong, maybe they don't want to change. Once the relationship has begun to sour and is in a downward spiral it is hard to get out. It takes lots of hard work and healing. Sometimes it can't be saved or maybe it is not worth saving. In pondering my parents divorce I came to a few conclusions. I know this is my opinion and I am looking in from the outside but I thought I would throw them out and see how others feel who have been in this situation also. I don't think my parents ever bonded with each other as husband and wife. I wonder what type of love they had in the beginning? Why did it not last? I think they were Mom and Dan, parents of Seven children and then when all of us left they never went beyond that. They had so many years spent just surviving. They began to see problems in life as failures in each other. They began to only focus on the flaws of the other and not look at the wonderful things. Were there any wonderful things left? I have looked in at them for years and wondered why are they married. They were mean to each other and never seemed to work together for the common good of the relationship and the best for both of them. They began to look out for themselves only. Is selfishness what brought them down? They didn't do the little fun things any more. I did not see them happy with each other for many years. They moved apart emotionally. Each did things to prove the other was wrong or at fault. I am not happy this has happened but it does not surprise me. I am struggling to hold onto a relationship with my Dad. I feel that he was paddling as fast as he could away from my mother and from us as a family. My Mother may have just not been paddling at all. I am saddened and hurt by this but I will go on. I will strengthen my own marriage so this may never be repeated with my own children and tear them apart. We can all learn from history and I will take this lesson and use it. We all need to creatively act to keep our marriages alive. It cannot only be one it has to be both. I will paddle till I can't paddle no more. May you all join me and paddle too. I am moving on to brighter things coming my way. Love ya all